Explanations are for Idiots

The Adventures Of Virgo Johnson - The Race of the Seven Seas

Previously on the Adventures of Virgo Johnson: Virgo and his men were invited to join the race across the seven seas. Upon receiving the invitation, Virgo’s ship was taken away by pirates. Stranded on a desert island, Virgo sat on a cliff, thinking of a way out. Parts of the previous chapter:

“What kind of a captain would stay hushed like a silenced dog at a time of crisis?” one-eyed Freddy questioned. “Down with him, I say!”

Immediately, a ruckus broke out. Punches and kicks were flying here and there and dare I say moves that aren’t even allowed to be mentioned in adult books. One third of the men supported the captain, another one third of them disliked the way they were being left to die, and the remainder just fought for the sake of fighting.

“SILENCE!” from mute, to maximum volume Captain Johnson shouted. “I have a plan”…

Chapter 5

A plan would naturally be assumed as a method of achieving an end or even a customary method of doing something, but the one deep in the thoughts of our captain were in between the two. An idea that would lead you ‘close’ to the end.

The crew froze upon hearing the words of their captain. However much you may hate a leader, you should never DARE go against his words. Well, that’s how it is in THIS story, anyway. As I was saying, the crew paid their full attention to the captain. Not a foot out of place and not a word more, said.

“Alright you filthy buffoons” said the captain, getting hold of his crew’s attention completely. “we’re going to sail out of here”.

“HURRAY!” shouted his men.

“But how, Capt’n?” asked Pal innocently. “whadaya reckon we do?”

“We’re going to be pulled to land” replied Virgo, with a gleaming smile full of confidence.

They all froze. Wouldn’t YOU? I mean, it makes no sense. Jabana knew this was what he was hired for so he stepped up to question his captain’s actions. “Err… incase you haven’t noticed sir, we’re stranded. And there is water all around us. I don’t think it is possible for our men to pull us to a port.

“Of course not Jabana!” and the captain burst out laughing. Now THAT would be silly. “We’re going to have the Mermaid pull us.”

The moment their captain said those words, the crew felt a part of them had died. Not only had they no way out, but the smartest of their lot had gone bonkers. Well, ALMOST the whole crew gave up, anyway. Pal however was over the moon with the thought of getting back with the help of a mermaid.

“So have we got this mermaid yet captain?” asked Pal, full of hopes. “Can I meet her? Gosh, I hope she’s nice” and he started blushing.

“What??” Virgo said out loud. “My god. You barmy twits! I’m talking about the SHIP!”. Indeed he was, for the thing that caused Virgo to hurry down was the sight of the Mermaid (a ship. You see, ‘Mermaid’ is the name of a ship and it just so happens that this ship was also taking part in the race across the seven seas). “We’re going to hook ourselves onto that ship and sail away from this god forsaken place.”

“A brilliant idea capt’n!” someone from the back praised. “but how are we gonna get near enough to the mermaid? Let alone hook ourselves to it?!”

“Ah my good man, now you see why I am the captain” boasted Virgo “and not YOU” he said suddenly, in a low tone. The crew felt deeply insulted, but they had gotten used to it by now. The captain continued “from what I’ve seen, they will use the weak currents of the shore to slingshot their way to the right. To do so, they will have to come within 200 feet from us”.

“But captain, that doesn’t explain how we’re going to get them to-“ he stopped abruptly. Stevo had noticed the scornful look his captain was giving him right about now. As you can see, Virgo HATES to be interrupted more than anything in the world. Well, ALMOST more than anything.

Virgo continued “Miss Marveck will go on one of our life boats, along with the wimpiest of you lot” Ms. Marveck’s eyes were wide open now. “This oughta let them know that we aren’t a threat to them. While Miss Marveck makes conversation with them, one-eyed Freddy will dive underwater and attach a rope to the bottom of their ship so that the rope is not visible. That way, they won't know how we are following them.”

“but captain, what about us?” questioned another crew member.

Virgo felt a vein pop in his head. He really really really hated interruptions. He continued after a short pause “WE shall tie a second rope from Ms. Marveck’s life boat to another life boat led by me, and a third rope from my life boat to one led by Jabana. My men and Jabana’s will remain hidden under some cloth that makes us look like luggage. Are we clear?”

“I capt’n” they all replied.

~To Be Continued.

Beauty of an Idea

Chapter 4 –

Author’s Note:

Dear readers,

I wish to take this time and space to ramble on about how you’re not going to get to the story today. Yeap. I’m just going to talk about absolutely nothing, and you’ll just be reading my… nothingness. Uhuh, there you go… reading my pointless words. You sure do seem lifeless! If I were you, I’d have given up by now. BOY you’re persistent. I bet you’re still going to be reading this even if a go “bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla”. Damn, you’re still reading these meaningless words. You seriously must have nothing else to do, other that sit in front of the computer, huh. Oh well, I give up. You’re far too lifelessly persistent for me to keep this up. Enjoy…

We rejoin our hero as he stares blankly into the ocean, far beyond. From where he was sitting, it was all that he could see. With a breeze blowing towards his rugged face, strong enough to blow his hair in a peaceful manner, yet gentle as to give a slight cool feeling down his shirt. He could hear the wave’s crash on impact with the rocks, about 50 feet beneath him. With his legs crossed, it was as if he was meditating, and his mantra, the oceans waves. One would pay a sack full of gold coins just to be in his position for that very moment, but Virgo would pay ten times more, just to get out. The naturally strategic and beautiful cliff didn’t faze the captain much for he has seen far superior sights.

In Virgo’s mind, thoughts we’re racing faster that a cheetah. No, faster than a golden eagle, and it was all for one cause… the way out! Being a captain, he had an enormous amount of pressure placed upon him. With a bunch of pea brains as your crew, would YOU rely on them for a way out? Only 3 hours earlier had his men try to set sail on their 3 life boats, but the laws of nature would not permit it. Because as they sailed about 300 feet off shore, they realized that the current was far too strong for their life boats to handle and turned back with shattered hopes. They were greeted by their beloved captain who remained on shore. He, unlike the mindless baboons he calls his crew, KNEW that there was no way a lifeboat could sail the ocean.

Back on the cliff, Virgo’s body gives a sudden jolt. He awakes from his trance! The captain scrambles to his feet, nearly falling off the cliff in this process. He rushed down, through the rocky path and gargantuan trees until he reached the shore where he could see his men. Half of them, sprawled on the sand, as if waiting to die (mind you, I bet they were) and the other half arguing on ways to get out.

On seeing the captain, the entire crew fell silent. The sprawled, awoke. All eyes were on Virgo, but he said nothing. He remained silent for far too long. From the back, one-eyed Freddy seized his opportunity to overthrow the captain.

“What kind of a captain would stay hushed like a silenced dog at a time of crisis?” he questioned. “Down with him, I say!”

Immediately, a ruckus broke out. Punches and kicks were flying here and there and dare I say moves that aren’t even allowed to be mentioned in adult books. One third of the men supported the captain, another one third of them disliked the way they were being left to die, and the remainder just fought for the sake of fighting.

“SILENCE!” from mute, to maximum volume Captain Johnson shouted. “I have a plan”.

~ To be continued.

Dare you Backlash?

Chapter 3-

We resume the adventure with our hero, as he kneels on the beach. His hands pressed into the sand, head bowed down as if in prayer, but a man like him NEEDS no prayer. He was a man who believed in himself and no one else and dare I say, not even god. With his head down, he sheds no tears. ‘What for?’ he would ask himself. Virgo had been through much worse throughout his life’s adventures.
From the grim face, appears a smile. Almost senile, to be honest. He releases his fingers from the sands clutches, looks up and scans the premises. From right to left, he sees nothing but tall trees. Beneath him, sand and behind, the blue sea. A sight like this should be able to bring a grown man to tears. ‘Why?’ you ask me. Its simple, actually. Who the bloody hell WOULDN’T cry their eyes out when they’re stranded on an unknown island without a confirmation that they’d live to see the age of 40?
Virgo bravely stands on his two sturdy feet. Summoning his guts and sanity, he shouts out to his crew “Alright then lads. Oh stop crying Pal! Its not like we’re lost?! …… oh wait.” he paused for a moment and then resumed, “but anyway, stand up! We’re finding ourselves a way outta’ here”.
“But Captain, why should we escape this haven?” Jabana asked. Jabana of course adapted to this environment very well, having been raised in a similar surrounding.
“To resume the race of course, my good man. Have you forgotten our little challenge?”
At this point, the crew were convinced that the captain was out of his mind. I mean, what kind of whack job would think about a race just hours after being robbed and left to die on life boats? The crew had a small huddle and pushed little Billy Man to voice their disapproval.
Poor old Billy Man said with a squeaky and soft voice “Captain Virgo, the crew and I think that it would be ‘wiser’ if we rested here first, and maybe if we feel comfortable, we could even settle down here” by this time, Billy had noticed the furious look on the captain’s face and continued “MAYBE, of course. Just maybe.” He had already started sweating profusely.
“WISE, eh?” said Virgo in a really sarcastic tone. “and this, coming from a couple of dumb nuts who eat bird poo for kicks??” his tone had changed to a more threatening one.
“But sir, THAT was a bet…” replied Billy Man, rather embarrassed by the Captains last comment.
“I DON’T GIVE A RATS ARSE ABOUT WHAT IT WAS FOR!” the captain was obviously fuming at this point. “I don’t care what you hollow heads think, but as long as you’re my crew, you’ll do as I say. Got it?” Virgo had already turned to the rest of the crew.
“With all do respect, Captain. Its only a race.” Billy let slip out, something no one Virgo knew would dare say in his presence. With that, Billy Man was sent flying 3 feet backwards landing on his back, compliments of the captains right foot.
Immediately, the rest of the crew got up and set out doing their parts to get back into the deep blue sea. Some hopelessly pretending to be doing something, but looked so dumb that the first mate Jabana chose to overlook it. The crew remained silent for the few hours that followed.

* * * * *

An Idiotic Leader

Virgo Johnson and the Race Across the Seven Seas
By Subashnaveen

Chapter 1

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if I do not proceed by telling you this tale, no, if I do not proceed by telling you this ‘legend’, than I would be committing a very sinful crime. A very sinful crime indeed.
We shall begin our story in the North Atlantic Ocean, there we find our brave and courageous hero, dangling vigorously, about 20 feet from the ground. The reason for this behavior lies just 5 feet above him. Sitting proudly on top of the mast, a little Rhesus monkey, all the way from India, named Parm. Virgo had slipped, fell and got stuck, trying to get hold of the playful monkey.
“Captain! Does ye’ need any’s help?”
“Never mind, Pal. I’m quite fine”. The truth was actually very obvious. The captain desperately needed help, but he was just too proud to admit it.
“Captain! Are ye’ really sure ye’ don’t need any’s help?”
“I’m fine! I’m fine! I’ll be down there in just a- UURGGH- moment”, the captain shrugged.
“THUMP!!” The rope had snapped, and down came crashing, the captain. With all pride still in place, he said, “Told you I would get down”. Then he gave a little smile, (hiding the throbbing pain that he was feeling in his back, at the moment) and walked into his cabin.
It was only earlier that day, that Virgo received a letter from the king of Turkey. Actually, it was more of an invitation, to join a race. It was not just an ordinary race, mind you. It was a race, meant to destroy, yet create, at the same time. It was a race, to separate the true sailors, from the frauds. It should be called, ‘the’ race, to be exact, because no other race, can live up to the hype, of this one.
As I was saying, Virgo had received an invitation, to join this race, just while he was docking at American shores. At first, he decided NOT to go, but 6 bottles of booze, and 3 to 4 women later, there he was! On his way to the biggest race of them all. At this moment, a drunk man like Virgo would probably say, ‘What could possibly go wrong?’, and its drunk men like him, who jinx all our luck, because at this very moment, 2 ships filled with scoundrels, a.k.a pirates, were headed their way.

Chapter 2

We join our hero, back in the captain’s cabin. Getting a back rub from Miss Marveck, who had tagged along on this journey.
“Pirates! I see pirates!! Two whole ships of em’!!” shouted Billy Man, and that was about all that he could do, because Billy was only 3 feet in height. The only reason a midget like him was on a ship, was the kind heartedness of Virgo Johnson with the help of 5 cups of whisky and also the fact that Billy would work for food.
All of the ship had gone mad with chaos. One ship of pirates was enough, but TWO?? That was just unfair.
“Calm down! Do you not know who we have as a captain??” reasoned Jabana, the captains trusty assistant. “Our captain has never let us down!” In walked a drunken Virgo. “Even when he is drunk beyond belief”. Jaba’s tone had changed dramatically. Now, even HE was not sure if the captain could save them. Apparently, Jabana’s disbelief arose when the captain started giving orders to the beer barrels, asking them to load the cannons.
“We’re DOOMED!!” shouted someone from the back.
“Ahh…” shrugged Virgo, now turning away from the beer barrels and towards the trembling people. “Quit whining! No bloody pirate is gonna get on MY bloody ship!” said Virgo, still unstable from all the booze. “No one!!”, and then he fell to the floor, hitting his head hard on one of the barrel beside him on his way down.

* * * * *

When Virgo woke up, it was night time. He could see the stars so clearly. It was an awesome sight, too beautiful to be shared, but the sky was for every one. The peaceful moment was disturbed by a thought. ‘What the bloody hell was he doing outside at this time of night?? He should be in his cozy cabin!!’ Then he realised, that the ground was moving far too unstably to be his ship. He quickly got up to his feet, turned right, then left, had a good look around, and then shouted, “WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE DEVIL AM I??” He lowered his voice and asked his first mate, “where’s my ship?? What are we doing, out in the ocean, on a ROW boat, in the middle of the night??”. Jabana’s reply came without much enthusiasm. Sleepily, in fact “the pirates took our ship, captain”. He let out a loud yawn. Beastly, if you ask me, “they we’re about to kill us, but the pirate captain thought it as a sin to kill a bunch of retarded grown men pleading for their lives with their drunk captain lying unconsciously on the floor. Pathetic, if you ask me, sir”. Virgo was just about to give a scathing comment on that when he spotted hope.
This time, hope did not come in a bottle, or a skimpy dress. It came in the form of land. Sweet, solid, simple land.
“LAND AHHOY!” shouted the captain. In a matter of seconds, the entire crew occupying their three lifeboats awoke, and celebrated with sleepy smiles on their faces.
“HURRAH” was all they could say.

#next update: 27th September 2007